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TotallyHonestJohn

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Everything posted by TotallyHonestJohn

  1. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Honestly Gone a bit slow again so here's a little smile for today and its a true story apparently (Cough Cough) Three couples are trying to get married. Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the vicar and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the vicar. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the vicar. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month without sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the vicar. "Well my girlfriend had a tin of beans in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The vicar then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend. Boom Boom!!! Stay well; stay safe and look after yourself... Regards THJ
  2. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    David Bargh before and after Then there was the Milton Keynes Kiwi Jason Bunyan... lol Regards THJ
  3. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    So after that nice little bit of Speedway chat we seem to have cooled off slightly again therefore to bring the SMILE back to everyone's faces again (or in ruffdiamond's case another groan) in our Covid impacted lives how about these offerings. (and only because Donald has got the USA in the news) A man is walking through his local shopping mall in the USA and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F#ck you, get out and stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!" So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight from the USA back to the Vatican. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." Chief: "How important? A governor or something?" Cop: "No sir. He's bigger." Chief: "So, what? A celebrity or a footballer or something?" Cop: "More important, sir." Chief: "A major politician?" Cop: "No sir, he's much more important." Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?" Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver." Now get back to the Speedway related banter or I will drop another one in... Stay well; stay safe and look after yourself... Regards THJ
  4. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    On Ivan's last visit to the UK to promote his book around 2010/11 "Ivan Mauger: The Will to Win: The Autobiography" I bought myself a copy and in there he said "if you can ride Brough Park you can ride any track in the world" and that was when the track was not only longer than today's track but approximately a whole lane narrower and the bends didn't really open out as much as they do now... so much more of a trick track back then I would say. The best laugh was I was standing in the pits with Kenni Larsen whilst Dalbers was interviewing Ivan on the centre green and he asked "Well Ivan what do you think of the track these days" Ivan's response was "you've ruined the place! you've made it far to easy to get round now" and Kenni turned round and said "whose this old nutter who thinks this is an easy track to ride" and when I explained who Ivan was and what he had done winning six world titles and when at Newcastle had an average of over 11 points... Kenni who had never heard of him previously was in awe of the guy and by the end of the interview was well impressed... Kenni even had a chat with him later on in the meeting and Ivan said he was impressed with Kenni's starting ability and his style on a bike. (which I think was fair praise indeed) Great talent Ivan and a true speedway legend sadly missed (and on the track side of things at Newcastle you could say the same about Kenni) Regards THJ
  5. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Am guessing either 1. No one else wanted him 2. No one could fit him in because of his average. 3. Newcastle offered him so much money that greed got the better of him and he chased the filthy lucre even though he isn't keen on the track... Just guessing like... Or as an edit 4. maybe he came to Newcastle to master a track that he has on occasions struggled at... and maybe he thought he would end up a better rider... Danes do have a penchant for making a name for themselves at Newcastle... maybe his reason for coming was totally honourable... Yep a like that reason better... Regards THJ
  6. TotallyHonestJohn

    workington ..

    Funny that as just before the lock down we had a chat with Dan on Row Brow opposite the Old Mill Inn pub in Dearham... he was told to get a hair cut as well... he was out in his push bike getting some fitness training in and at the bottom of Row Brow hill just about to go up it when we nearly knocked him over... oops... had a good craic and hes another nice kid... his old man "Neil Boozer Bewley" is a good un too with worse jokes than me... Honest... Regards THJ
  7. TotallyHonestJohn

    workington ..

    Am in me 50's so am not that far behind you... but if any one asks am 39... going on 14... At the minute everyday is Christmas Day with this lock down... boring... it's driving me nuts... and no av not opened any whiskey in the last couple of weeks funnily enough... pienpeesman mentioned the other day along with Ruffdiamond that they both were giving the gin a go... so I cracked a bottle of Tanqueray the other night as I hadn't had a G&T for a while and to be fair av quite enjoyed it... saying it's a girls drink... Regards THJ
  8. TotallyHonestJohn

    workington ..

    Hey... Speak for ya sel Marra I might not have much to cut these days but possessing my own "Wahl Clippers" what I do have gets a good clipping every three weeks... Old habits die hard and with our old RSM if he could pinch any ov it outside the beret he pulled it out... So no thank you to the "Scruffy Old Mop" / "Rasta" look and looking at Richards dad (Steve) who still has a full hair line although well cropped currently; Richard wont be going bald anytime soon... can you imagine that weave in white... could be the new Roy Wood or Santa Claus look... Know you don't like Christmas getting a mention too early gazzac and only 246 days to go so sorry for the Santa reference... But I suppose it will keep him warm on cold winter nights so I will give you that... Honestly just had another look at a current photo and I'm now not sure if its a "Rasta" or "Predator" look he is going for... Also how does all that fit under a helmet? Does he take the liner out ffs? Either way I still think it looks a clip... Sorry... Regards THJ
  9. TotallyHonestJohn

    workington ..

    He's still wearing it.... Just all the hair has grow through it... Honestly he used to be a tidy kid but he could do wid a hair cut that's for sure... Smart lad when hes been clipped and shaved... looks a scruffy get nowadays!!! Always thought Maryport was famous for the "Jam Factory" not its Rastafarian's... Freddie Notes & The Rudies sang about Montego Bay not Maryport Bay... Never mind at least we know its not Richard hoarding all the soap,,, Regards THJ
  10. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Jenga is correct there was one but just like Jason it got a bit naughty on there so it was canned... There will be more to come out but it will be a case of wait and see I would suggest... Regards THJ
  11. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    A used to cough to hide a fart.... Now a fart to hide a cough.... Cough cough... Regards THJ
  12. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Morning, So here is today's offering to keep us smiling through the pain One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "Hey... That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on to the stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says: "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me." All true apparently (cough cough) Regards THJ
  13. TotallyHonestJohn

    Birmingham Brummies 2020

    See the club have put a statement out; just a sensible one liner keeping there distance at present not wanting to comment which I think is the best approach under the current circumstances... Feel a bit for Brum; lost half a team with injuries early on last year and it looks like they have lost a second rider this; after THJ bailed due to fixture clashes and both through no fault of their own making... before a wheel is turned (if we ever get to see a wheel turning this year that is) Regards THJ
  14. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Just been reading Jason Garrity has been a naughty boy... Looks like he will be doing some compulsory social distancing and social isolating at Her Majesty's pleasure... What a tool... and a waste of a talent... Regards THJ
  15. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Ave got something like 40 bottles but every so often one springs a leak from the top and has to be consumed... Funny that... Doh... Regards THJ
  16. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Well ave got an unopened one too as it happens from a guy I helped to get a job with a good reference but I have had it before and it wasn't to bad... bout 25 quids worth and fair play to the lad he's trying... like the thing I am watching now it's a starter for 10... you could have a good one there... ideal for wetting the head of the first grandchild and don't worry it won't go off... Never mind the daughter he's a keeper if he's buying you drink... Regards THJ
  17. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Honestly I've never had it; few years back now coming through Singapore I was twiddling my thumbs for a couple of hours and went for a mooch round the duty free shops seeing if I could pick up a bottle of something on the cheap, and there wasn't a Japanese whisky under £200 quid so that put me off. I ended up with a Johnnie Walker 3 pack special of a Black Label; Green Label and a Blue Label which cost £150 quid; but as I say the Japanese Whisky was hellish expensive. Before Christmas I looked in The Whisky Shop in the Metro Centre and the cheapest one they had in the spot was £130:00 and when I asked about the price the guy said they were expecting to get some in at around the £40 quid mark but I haven't been back since to see what it is. Don't know if you have ever had Laphroaig but its definitely an acquired taste and Charles prefers the the 15-Year variety. Which I think they stopped making the 15 Year Variety so he bought something like the last 500 bottles or some ridiculous amount like that he also likes a Bruichladdich which is another "smokey" one. I don't think you can go past Glenfiddich or a Glenlivet for me and the Johnie Walker brands are all quaff-able as I don't think I have had a poor one and as a slurping Whisky well Bells takes some beating not as harsh I don't think as Grouse or some of the other competitors. Regards THJ
  18. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Honestly That's sacrilege... there is nothing finer than a single malt whisky; definitely the poison of my choice... Actually I am not a Whisky snob as there are a few good blended whiskies too.... and with most of the Irish Whiskies being distilled three times rather than twice they also have a nice mellow taste... Distilling three times tends to produce a lighter and smoother spirit The only Whisky I couldn't defend is Prince Charles favourite and that is Laphroaig which is definitely an acquired taste; I generally prefer my Scotch from the East Coast rather than the West where the water is filtered through Granite rather than Peat. The Whisky I was after this year was the one produced at the Lakes Distillery at Setmurthy; Cockermouth, Near Bassenthwaite Lake as I done the tour of the Distillery in 2018 and their single malt was just about ready when we done the tour; then when I went back this year they had sold out of the stuff... Doh!!!... gutted.... Regards THJ
  19. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Well you can sleep easier with the light on... and I bet you cant remember the last time you were hard!!! Or you could pee easier with the light on? you would be okay because you sit down... Regards THJ
  20. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Honestly The Scots spell it whisky and the Irish spell it whiskey, with an extra 'e'. This difference in the spelling comes from the translations of the word from the Scottish and Irish Gaelic forms. Whiskey with the extra 'e' is also used when referring to American whiskies. Although Bourbon is a definite poor version of the stuff in my humble opinion... You will find the Irish and the Yanks spell it Whiskey whereas anyone else in the world who produces Whisky spells it well... Whisky without the "E" So the spelling whisky is generally used for whiskies distilled in Scotland, Canada, Australia, Japan and Europe, while whiskey is used for the spirits distilled in Ireland and America and has nothing to do with the grains used. By lad learning as well... oh the joy... Regards THJ
  21. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Wrong and Wrong Sorry chaps both wrong... so no prize there then... that's saved as buying a coconut... The difference is an "E" Regards THJ
  22. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Morning Saying that someone recklessly mentioned Christmas the other day (only 249 days to go! Yeah!!!) here's a couple of corona virus smiles for today? A Christmas bonus so to speak... A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f#ck herself." A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane. A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." Both quite true I am led to believe (cough cough) and on a more serious note and as a bonus quiz question does anyone know the difference between Irish and Scottish Whiskies... Stay well; stay safe and look after yourself... Regards THJ
  23. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    No am working on a central heating pump would you believe... It's a 1977 Ford Capri with 69,000 miles on... 1600cc in a nice metallic green with a go faster black vinyl roof... I was the third owner in 1980... cost me 2800 after a got 400 quid for the mini I traded in... was offered 10k for it last year an if he had of went to 12k I may have relented but I think he will be back.... apparently he lost his virginity in a very simlar model... May not be a classic in the true sense of the word but it is something I have cherished over the years... Every day is a Christmas Day at the minute... just think about what the poor sods had to put up with during the war!!! 4 years they had it with no TV or gadgets to entertain them.... we will survive just got to keep smiling on through and remember there is always someone worse off... you could be dead... I have now lost several friends to this awful virus and we aren't out of the woods yet.... however and to be totally honest I am looking forward to getting back to some normality... but still need to keep a sense of reality and a smile on the dial... Regards THJ
  24. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Hey As of today there are only 250 days to Christmas... yeah!!! Regards THJ
  25. TotallyHonestJohn

    Newcastle 2020

    Well the craic is "if" the restrictions are lifted they will have a go in running and if it's August the talk was of 6 North 6 South leagues and a play off between the top two. Time will ultimately be the deciding factor as to what can be fitted in... The issue for clubs next year will be where do they get sponsorship from as everyone's pockets will be in lock-down mode for some time to come and I can see this potentially pushing some clubs over the edge... Plus how hard has the fan base been hit with an average crowd age that must be pushing 60+ how many of them are stilll around and of those who are how many would want to attend an event where social distancing is difficult to achieve... Some big decisions to be made that's for sure and there are no daft ideas at the moment I would say that nothing is off the table... Regards THJ
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