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Phil

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I once wrote to Dear Deirdre in the Sun . I wrote Dear Deirdre,  please can you help me with this problem. I am in a long distance relationship. I live in London , my girlfriend 400 miles away in Glasgow. We travel to see each other on alternative weekends, however one weekend we mixed up, I was travelling up to Glasgow,  she was leaving heading for London. 

The problem is ...if her train eaves Glasgow at 8.00 am at 75mph ......

 

Edited by Seymour Dix

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Image may contain: text that says "Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top o the mornin to yer sir!" Tiger nods & bends to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket. "What are those?" asks Paddy. "They're called tees. They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." "Fuck me" says paddy "BMW think of everything!""

Edited by screm
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15 hours ago, screm said:

Image may contain: text that says "Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top o the mornin to yer sir!" Tiger nods & bends to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket. "What are those?" asks Paddy. "They're called tees. They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." "Fuck me" says paddy "BMW think of everything!""

Only thing that has made me laugh all week.

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BREAKING NEWS !
More bad news is about to be announced I'm afraid.
The first vaccine for Covid 19 may soon run out as global demand increases exponentially...
The Pfizer Chiefs have said, "They predict a riot!"
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Error

Edited by jrs
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Fella buys a talking centipede for £5000 and takes it home in a small box. 

After 30 minutes he opens the box and says 'Would you like to go for a pint?' 

The centipede doesn't answer, raising his voice, he repeats the question, still no reply! 

Getting angry, thinking he's been ripped off, he shouts the question loudly! 

At which point the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says' I heard you the first time, I'm just putting my fecking shoes on'

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Not really a joke, but has anyone ever been lucky enough to find an 'O' in their box of oxo cubes?

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EscrVpUXcAE5A1E?format=jpg&name=small

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My wife says I only have two faults.

I don't listen and something else.. 

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Ted and Mike are 90 years old and Ted is on his death bed...

Mike has visited him daily for the three months he has been bed ridden..

Ted tells Mike that he hasn't long left and was there anything he would like to ask him before he passes on.. 

Mike talks about their lives together as best friends for over 85 years since school, and how they had played football together in the same teams for nigh on 40 years, Mike in goal and Ted up front..

"Great days", said Ted, "If only we could relive them"..

"Well", said Mike, "Maybe they play football in heaven?" "If they do, and it is possible, can I ask that you let me know via some kind of message?"..

"Of course" said Ted, "If it's possible, I will"..

A couple of days later, Ted passes on...

And a couple of days after that, at midnight, Mike's bedroom lights up with a blinding light..

"Mike. Mike!" says a voice..

"Who is that?" Mike asks scared..

"It's me Ted, I have been allowed to inform you about the football"

"Reallly" replied  Mike, excited...

"Yes. Although its mostly great news, there is a little bad news" Ted tells him..

"Well let's have the great news first" says Mike..

"Well Mike, the great news is that there is football up here, and not only that, but all our old team mates who have passed on are playing with me, and, even better, all of us are young again, never get tired, and every game is played on a beautiful pitch in glorious sunshine"..

"Wow! That sounds absolutely amazing" exclaimed Mike excitedly. "So what's the bad news you mentioned Ted?"..

"You're in nets on Tuesday evening mate"...

 

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