TotallyHonestJohn 3,078 Posted April 2, 2020 25 minutes ago, pienpeesman said: Bud is nee good for me back door & causes terrible starlings release Nah a find the Bud can set off me Plymouth Argyles now an then though... Gives a new meaning to roid rage... Anyway you have got summat up with ya cos everything ya seem to drink goes through ya like prune juice an rhubarb with an Epsom salts chaser on a warm day.... Drink wine and at least if that gives you the thruppeny bits you can always use the cork to stem the flow Regards THJ 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TotallyHonestJohn 3,078 Posted April 2, 2020 Just now, TotallyHonestJohn said: Nah a find the Bud can set off me Plymouth Argyles now an then though... Gives a new meaning to roid rage... Anyway you have got summat up with ya cos everything ya seem to drink goes through ya like prune juice an rhubarb with an Epsom salts chaser on a warm day.... Drink wine and at least if that gives you the thruppeny bits you can always use the cork to stem the flow Regards THJ Actually Mal ave seen the size of your hoop you could probably get the bottle in there xx Regards THJ 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TotallyHonestJohn 3,078 Posted April 3, 2020 (edited) Afternoon Today's true storey (cough cough) Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Hey buddy I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” says Joe “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens the door and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls made of pure gold!” The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here! Regards THJ Edited April 3, 2020 by TotallyHonestJohn Edited for accuracy 2 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Justgotmecpc 1,056 Posted April 3, 2020 17 hours ago, TotallyHonestJohn said: Nah a find the Bud can set off me Plymouth Argyles now an then though... Gives a new meaning to roid rage... Anyway you have got summat up with ya cos everything ya seem to drink goes through ya like prune juice an rhubarb with an Epsom salts chaser on a warm day.... Drink wine and at least if that gives you the thruppeny bits you can always use the cork to stem the flow Regards THJ Am fine with mckewans champion & Stella mixed with a few sticks of celery Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
00000 1,279 Posted April 3, 2020 134 plays 134 as Diamonds in race to the top. Vintage stuff from the club that brought you one or two star names in the past Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ruffdiamond 6,115 Posted April 3, 2020 38 minutes ago, Richard Weston said: 134 plays 134 as Diamonds in race to the top. Vintage stuff from the club that brought you one or two star names in the past Yeah, well done Poole. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TotallyHonestJohn 3,078 Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) Morning Some important information I have just received from work that may help folk during these tough times and could be very relevent to Speedeay fans of a certain age... (cough cough) EMPLOYEE NOTICE Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.1.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.1.T. they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.1.T, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.1.T. you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. Regards THJ Edited April 4, 2020 by TotallyHonestJohn Edited for accuracy 1 11 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Justgotmecpc 1,056 Posted April 5, 2020 On 4/2/2020 at 10:29 PM, TotallyHonestJohn said: Not really.... I only drink twice a week.... Once for four days and once for three... I have also been told to have a well balance diet... the best way to do that I have found is to have a drink in each hand.... Regards THJ Agree but just to keep the lips wet it's best to drink 1 & hold the other & make sure the bar tender is pouring the next 1 in readiness to keep the empty always full ha Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Justgotmecpc 1,056 Posted April 5, 2020 Just now, pienpeesman said: Agree but just to keep the lips wet it's best to drink 1 & hold the other & make sure the bar tender is pouring the next 1 in readiness to keep the empty always full ha Got In from work last night ( key worker ) & am not a Coors light fan ! But it's not to bad with a vodka mango chaser but I only had the 5 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ruffdiamond 6,115 Posted April 5, 2020 2 hours ago, pienpeesman said: Got In from work last night ( key worker ) & am not a Coors light fan ! But it's not to bad with a vodka mango chaser but I only had the 5 Don't imagine you being a fan of anything 'light' 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TotallyHonestJohn 3,078 Posted April 5, 2020 Afternoon I know in these Covid 19 times shopping is difficult however... (cough cough) A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and you are all total idiots that want,want and want. Like all the rest, you are also nothing but a greedy good for nothing cow. No wonder you are on you own you fat horrible greedy get, you deserve to be left on the shelf. Just what you deserve. Now get out! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. This was on the same six floor principles... The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer and will indulge you sexually whenever you desire! The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. Regards THJ 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Justgotmecpc 1,056 Posted April 5, 2020 2 hours ago, ruffdiamond said: Don't imagine you being a fan of anything 'light' I'm at my best in the dark nights just as your favourite rider is as he only seemed to up his average towards the end of the season when the floodlights came on & the MOTH came good Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Justgotmecpc 1,056 Posted April 5, 2020 1 hour ago, pienpeesman said: I'm at my best in the dark nights just as your favourite rider is as he only seemed to up his average towards the end of the season when the floodlights came on & the MOTH came good Well it's time for some glug glug any 1 care to join in Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TotallyHonestJohn 3,078 Posted April 6, 2020 Afternoon Just a word to the wise about a friend of mine called Dave (cough cough) Dave's wife treat him to a night out for a special birthday by taking him to a lap dancing club. When they arrived the Doorman said "Okay Dave how's tricks?" His wife asked "how does he know you?" Dave says "oh er I play footy with him" Inside the barman says "usual Dave?" Dave turns to the wife and says "before you ask or say anything he's on the darts team at my local okay" Next a lap dancer walks straight up to him and says "hi Dave do you want the special again?" and the wife storms out and grabs him by the collar dragging him out with her and jumps into a taxi" Taxi driver says "Jesus Dave you've pulled a right minger this week" True Story That!!! Be safe; keep well and look after yourself Regards THJ 2 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TotallyHonestJohn 3,078 Posted April 9, 2020 Honestly Very slow on here!!! So how about this one just to keep things ticking over Furthermore and before anyone says anything I know its an old one but its still good and a true story I believe... (Cough Cough) So a man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realised she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard... Wow he though... Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “So er what’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish... Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy". Regards THJ 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites