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The naked gun was on Comedy Central the other night , Enjoy the funniest scene in the film 

 

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Nellie the elephant tested positive for coronavirus. When asked who she caught it from she said Trump.

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I was having a meal in an Indian restaurant last night, a kindly elderly lady came over and said" You have such good manners young man". I thought that's my complimentary Nan.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence”
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A first time Mum asked her midwife what was the best position to take to give birth. The midwife replied probably the same as when the baby was conceived.

'On the bonnet of an effing Vauxhall Astra in the local 'Spoons car park?'.

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Who would have thought that two men in their 70s could maintain an election for so long?

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I've just found a wallet outside Tesco's with £60 in it and I wasn't sure if I should hand it in or keep it. I went to walk away with it then I thought, "What would Jesus do?" I turned around, walked back into Tesco's... and turned it into wine

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My neighbour called this morning and asked if it was alright to have a skip outside of my house. I said go for it fatty you need the exercise.

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old today.  In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards, equipped with strong will power. Just as strong as Vim Cream, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon and a delightful vanilla aroma...

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