TotallyHonestJohn

Honestly Ruff I am at work as we are key workers for support services to the elderly... Only thing is its emergencies only; so works like total loss of power, lighting or heating and hot water, major plumbing problems, broken windows and essential works similar to these; however to be fair everyone is being sensible and over the last three weeks we have been averaging between 2 to 3 jobs a day (rather than 30 to 40 a day) and that's over an 8000 unit portfolio of properties, only one job in today to put a dehumidifier into a property flooded from a burst in the flat above. So the boredom is palpable. Easter was interesting as last year we done 33 jobs over the four day off period and this year not one? However on a speedway note and chatting on the phone to a friend in Cumbria who is in the know!!! (in the know Tony from Maryport remember him) if the lock-down succeeds in its goals and the Covid 19 infections fall to a manageable level and everything is relaxed as we try and return back to some type of normality; we could be looking at turning the proverbial speedway tap back on for the start of July; however one league with one home and one away fixture (total 22 meetings) and the winners of the league being pronounced champions with no play off but a knockout cup running as well. All still tentative but obviously the right people are talking to each other I am led to believe. So something positive to look forward to if (and its a big IF) things keep progressing in a positive fashion, but its still some time off. Couple of things I can see as being a problem like getting the foreign riders in; as reading on the internet (if its not fake news) Australia are possibly looking at a lock-down of sorts until September radically restricting travel so any team with an Aussie rider in it could potentially have difficulties and some European countries are also taking different stances on how to tackle the Covid 19 outbreak; so again movement of riders will be a big issue I would suggest... So guests will be heavily used I reckon but as I say still a long way to go on this but we still could see some action before the season is over... The exit plan the government set up will have a great deal to do with what happens as well; and especially their take on mass gatherings which will be the last thing they will want; so as stated it is a very long way off yet but fingers crossed and we get out of this Cluster Fc.uk we find ourselves in; sooner rather than later... Stay well; stay safe and look after yourself... Regards THJ

Morning On a much less serious note; here is a true story I have just read; how do I know it was true? well it was on the internet so it must be... So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an Old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. Not only am I rubbish at driving trains; I'm a bad conductor too." Regards THJ

Okay quick draw what was it about? Come back in 90 minutes after you have watched it Knob-head... like Eh!!! Regards THJ

Wow what a come back I better get the the Sudocrem out for the burn... Something I learnt in Cumbria describes you to a tee and it's "Knob-head"... Just another tool in the tool box... must be a junior hacksaw though eh... Regards THJ Oh an a quick edit because its hard typing with one hand when you are choking the chicken with the other one... don't forget to wipe the splashes off the screen when you are finished... good lad Biffa you know it makes sense... edited after the tool had a second go at a witty retort...

Honestly You would think that though wouldn't you because you are just an antagonistic A-wipe who should crawl back under your rock... So now you have had a bite you can "pull the heed of the chicken" and give yourself your cheap thrill... and move on... A total tool... who talks complete and utter keache... What people have mainly expressed is how they are impressed with the effort and support to the local community the promotion put in and how they are promoting the club and supporting speedway... genuine positive comments about a genuine club and genuine people... Best laugh is I bet you haven't watched the documentary you have just made the comment for effect... Sooner the schools go back the better... Regards THJ

Couple of vans and a classic car... All of which are now shining like a diamond in a coal bunker... Regards THJ

True... but you would still rather be there watching some Speedway having a pint and a hog roast banjo than being locked in watching the tripe being dished up on this telly am sure.... am nearly regretting flagging over me garden cos if a had some grass to cut a would be out doing that... there's only so many times you can clean windows or wash a car... Regards THJ

Sorry to hear this but have we not got enough bad news to deal with without posts like this.... however now that you have raised the elephant in the room Newcastle have lost another fan and former sponsor not only of the club but a major supporter of various past and present riders.... Brian Paddison lost the fight against Covid 19 last week and someone else who although hadn't been regularly to Brough over the last couple of seasons will be sadly missed... Both RIP but I doubt they will be the last to succumb... especially with this virus still rampant... Testing times for everyone... stay well stay safe and look after yourself... Regards THJ

Honestly Very slow on here!!! So how about this one just to keep things ticking over Furthermore and before anyone says anything I know its an old one but its still good and a true story I believe... (Cough Cough) So a man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realised she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard... Wow he though... Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “So er what’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish... Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy". Regards THJ

Afternoon Just a word to the wise about a friend of mine called Dave (cough cough) Dave's wife treat him to a night out for a special birthday by taking him to a lap dancing club. When they arrived the Doorman said "Okay Dave how's tricks?" His wife asked "how does he know you?" Dave says "oh er I play footy with him" Inside the barman says "usual Dave?" Dave turns to the wife and says "before you ask or say anything he's on the darts team at my local okay" Next a lap dancer walks straight up to him and says "hi Dave do you want the special again?" and the wife storms out and grabs him by the collar dragging him out with her and jumps into a taxi" Taxi driver says "Jesus Dave you've pulled a right minger this week" True Story That!!! Be safe; keep well and look after yourself Regards THJ

Afternoon I know in these Covid 19 times shopping is difficult however... (cough cough) A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and you are all total idiots that want,want and want. Like all the rest, you are also nothing but a greedy good for nothing cow. No wonder you are on you own you fat horrible greedy get, you deserve to be left on the shelf. Just what you deserve. Now get out! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. This was on the same six floor principles... The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer and will indulge you sexually whenever you desire! The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. Regards THJ

Morning Some important information I have just received from work that may help folk during these tough times and could be very relevent to Speedeay fans of a certain age... (cough cough) EMPLOYEE NOTICE Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.1.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.1.T. they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.1.T, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.1.T. you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. Regards THJ

Afternoon Today's true storey (cough cough) Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Hey buddy I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” says Joe “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens the door and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls made of pure gold!” The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here! Regards THJ

Actually Mal ave seen the size of your hoop you could probably get the bottle in there xx Regards THJ

Nah a find the Bud can set off me Plymouth Argyles now an then though... Gives a new meaning to roid rage... Anyway you have got summat up with ya cos everything ya seem to drink goes through ya like prune juice an rhubarb with an Epsom salts chaser on a warm day.... Drink wine and at least if that gives you the thruppeny bits you can always use the cork to stem the flow Regards THJ

Not really.... I only drink twice a week.... Once for four days and once for three... I have also been told to have a well balance diet... the best way to do that I have found is to have a drink in each hand.... Regards THJ

A go at half seven at night just before it closes at 8 an it's not as manic... An av got a few Gin's in me collection an am rather partial to Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray... very nice... Although a single malt is never refused either... unless it's Laphroaig.... might be Prince Charles favourite but not mine... Regards THJ

Well ASDA are doing 24 bottles of Budweiser for a tenner... if that doesn't cheer you up nowt will... I have been panic buying and I now have 240 little friends to cheer me up... never mind this bog roll tosh... if ya gonna panic buy get something useful... Regards THJ

Aye Richard we are coming up on the rails... I thought there would have been a lot more banter on here with everyone stuck in the house and seeing what's on the telly you need an outlet... After Brexit doing our head in for about 3 years... Covid 19 will be good for the next 2 years at least... next 2/3 month the murder rate will be up due to folk being locked in with each other due to Covid 19 next 6/7 month the riots due to Covid 19 and government still trying to restrict peoples social interactions to 9/10 month and the baby boom from the people locked in with nothing to do who havent managed to kill each other then 12/14 month a relaxing of the social restrictions and pubs open due to a vaccine being developed then 16/18 month the divorce rate explodes due to folk realising what damage Covid 19 has done to their lives... 22/24 month shares in companies making anti depressants go through the roof as there is talk of Covid 21/22 and we will start all over again... Happy days Regards THJ

He would have done if... and it was only if... they (you know who) could have committed to the club running this year.... his mind was made up for him I think early in the September... when one promoter was telling anyone who woukd listen that he was walking and the other one was saying he was taking the club down a league... so if we had one of the promoters saying we were definitelty running Steve told me he would have stayed... well for one promoter not the other... but neither of the goons would give an inch and through their own arrogance put the whole club in jeopardy... so if Rob Grant had of been in the picture then it may have been a totally different story... but al tell ya what their kid has a job on in Forest Hall with his groundworks business and he told me two week ago just before the lockdown when I dropped in to see him that... and dependant on Covid 19 restrictions... there kid was gonna come up for a couple of weeks to do a bit of graft... we had arranged to go out for a beer and a bite to eat but that has been scuppered for now.... but when we do get together I will ask him again... I very much doubt he has changed his mind... however I will report back what he says.. Howzat grab ya... Regards THJ

Well a didn't want to mention his girlfriend or the other plums mother... Regards THJ

Honeslty Chatted to him last year and this (including his current main sponsor) and he would have come back but he needed security... the two warring parties we had as promoters couldn't agree on anything one was bailing out and taking his bat ball and dummy with him and the other clown was going to take us into the National League... What was Steve supposed to do? Hang on and wait for something to break whilst slots in other sides were filling up rapidly... he nearly got his fingers burnt the year before when he signed for Worky and they folded... (sorry my bad) Steve got a good offer off Poole and absolutely zip off Newcastle... no brainer for him.... and to be fair I have known him (and Richie) since they first come to Newcastle and sponsored both of them off and on over the years and I have no reason not to believe him... I also think he will score big at Poole this year and they have a cracking top 3/4 and if we ever do get any action this year it will be interesting to see how Stevie does and the rest of the Poole team for that matter.... bloody poxy Covid 19.... Regards THJ

Haha haha Definitely Bossy.... he wasn't big enough to be a bully... unless his pals are Dopey the Speedway riding son, Doc, Bashful, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy and Grumpy the printer promoter... LMFAO.... Regards THJ

If the Prison Warder and the Printer could have sorted their differences out and confirmed that Newcastle were running Steve Worrall would have come back to Newcastle and it was only while the club was under threat of closure that Steve signed for Poole. (and that was also why Robbo had to go with Redcar for his farewell meeting. I spoke to Robbo at the Redcar/Newcastle meeting and he said he was shocked after he had spoken to one of the promoters who told him that the club were looking at closing down and they couldn't guarantee him a date for this year and his final meeting) The majority of riders had this season (2020) sorted before the 2019 one had ended; Poole will definitely benefit from a fitter and more healthier Steve Worrall this year with the rod removed from his leg; their gain is definitely Newcastle's loss. Its a pity Rob didn't get the club sooner than he did as one thing for sure love him or loathe him Rob Grant is his own man and will run the club in the way he thinks best which isn't a bad thing as far as I am concerned; at least he can make a decision; also if Rob had come in maybe just before the end of the 2019 season he would have had a much larger pool of riders to choose from and the team may have looked much different. Not that IMHO do I feel we have a bad team at present. Lets also be "Totally Honest" here; Steve wasn't the only one who was paid late this year as he was just one of three that I am aware of (and there could have been more) and last year for that matter with riders waiting until after the season had finished before getting settled up and again there were 3 or 4 who had to wait for final payments with two of them having to wait until after the Christmas period to see their final cheques "land on the mat". So those who have knocked Rob Grant need to think long and hard because if we were left in the hands of the Prison Warder and the Printer we would have no club. The era of St George has ended and thank the lord for that as far as I am concerned because neither him or the Prison Warder could run a bath let alone a business. St Rob is a businessman and he will make the hard decisions and take the club forward in my view and long may he reign... Regards THJ

Morning Just to put a smile on your face and apparently its all true and it really happened (cough cough) Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts and a top. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Audi Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? Husband: (sobbing) Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multi-function steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seat-belts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electro-mechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Key-less Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gear-knob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi Regards THJ