King Jamie

It hasn't necessarily made a loss every other year though. For example: Capital and reserves: Year ended 28 Feb 2017 - £97,815 Year ended 28 Feb 2018 - £76,881 You may automatically think the company's made a loss of £20,934 in the most recent year. However, it's entirely possible it made a profit of, say, £4,066 but the directors then decided to pay out dividends of £25K. As the company has positive reserves, they are more than entitled to do so. The problem with these types of accounts is too many things can be hidden. But that's the legislation's fault, not that of the companies themselves.

It's not as if Edinburgh hadn't been warned. Here's a little something from December last year: KJ's season review the inferior Riss: achieved the largest increase of any Monarchs' rider in 2017. However, dig a little deeper and there is cause for concern. Yes he started off like a train at reserve, and hats off to him for that, but when he moved into the top 5 he turned into something of a nondescript performer. Once there, he won only 8 races (3 pre-injury and 5 upon return = the same total as the unfairly criticised Max Clegg), averaging only 4.60. You really need a lot more than that from your fourth highest rider. Obviously doesn't handle pressure very well. Whether it be a last place on a TR a Sheffield or his going missing way too often in heat 14, the warning signs are flashing. Oh, and his performance for Wolves in the Premiership play-off final was positively laughable. Back in 2018? For me, it comes down to a choice - who would you rather sign? A - a second string on a 5.76 average, who could only muster 4.60 during his time in that part of the team; or B - a reserve on a 4.15 average, who actually achieved 4.82 during his time in that part of the team. Based on that evidence, there would be no room at the inn for the sunlounger grabber.

The rule about no GP riders in the second tier was in the rule book for a number of years. However, the last time I've actually seen it in print was the 2013 season. Thereafter, it disappeared. I see nothing wrong in what Glasgow did in signing Craig Cook. References to loopholes and unwritten rules smacks of jealousy and bitterness. Sometimes it's better to simply tip your hat and say, "well bowled", regardless of which team is involved.

Where did you get your stats for that Sir? Mark Riss's last ten Championship meetings saw an average of only 4.67. Nowhere near his 2018 starting average of 5.76. Even taking into account the play off meeting at home to Ipswich, and losing his visit to Sheffield, the figures would only improve marginally, up to 4.88, still almost a full point below.

KJ's season review Ricky: the first Kiwi to ride for the club since 19canteen. Added almost a point to his starting average and so, from that perspective, he was a roaring success. Obviously doesn't like heat 1, given that we lost 4 1-5's out of 5 he was involved in. However, he did boast the highest away average by some distance. His most impressive stat was 7 wins and 1 paid win from 11 heat 15's on the road. Back in 2018? Difficult one. Is his average now too high? Who knows? Answers on a postcard. Sam: a disappointing season for the skipper. Not only did his average fall by almost half a point, his away average was pretty poor (just over 7.50). In many ways he was the polar opposite of Ricky. His heat 1 record was something to be proud of (at home anyway) with 11 wins from 14 but heat 15 was a massive let down - 5 wins out of 20 all season, including only 1 win in 10 on his travels. It's probably worth noting Sam didn't appear in any heat 15 since his return from injury. But while the collarbone break may have affected him after his comeback, his average was already down prior to that crash. His performance at the Australian GP probably summed up his campaign for me. Back in 2018? I guess so. He is our asset. And we all know there's a rider in there somewhere. Just sort out the away form please! the superior Riss: the biggest compliment I can offer is that watching him ride reminded me of when Craig Cook was making that move to the next level. Suddenly everything just started to click. Barring the odd meeting, his score charts did tend to slide away at the business end of things but that's to be expected. New territory and all that. Back in 2018? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And, no, that wasn't my Meg Ryan impression! Sadly, I think the talented German has bigger fish to fry in the future... the inferior Riss: achieved the largest increase of any Monarchs' rider in 2017. However, dig a little deeper and there is cause for concern. Yes he started off like a train at reserve, and hats off to him for that, but when he moved into the top 5 he turned into something of a nondescript performer. Once there, he won only 8 races (3 pre-injury and 5 upon return = the same total as the unfairly criticised Max Clegg), averaging only 4.60. You really need a lot more than that from your fourth highest rider. Obviously doesn't handle pressure very well. Whether it be a last place on a TR a Sheffield or his going missing way too often in heat 14, the warning signs are flashing. Oh, and his performance for Wolves in the Premiership play-off final was positively laughable. Back in 2018? For me, it comes down to a choice - who would you rather sign? A - a second string on a 5.76 average, who could only muster 4.60 during his time in that part of the team; or B - a reserve on a 4.15 average, who actually achieved 4.82 during his time in that part of the team. Based on that evidence, there would be no room at the inn for the sunlounger grabber. Josh: started off reasonably well, dropped off a bit, picked up again for a fortnight, then went back down again to something more approaching normality. Just a bog standard season for a youngster! It's all part of the learning process. Not much else to say, except I like his kevlars. All hail pink! Back in 2018? We have to. Otherwise, what was the point of signing him this year? Max: the entertainer of the team. On 4 separate occasions (possibly even more) at sunny Armadale this season, Max pulled off more successful overtaking manoeuvres than the rest of the riders from both teams put together. It seems a number of people were unhappy with his progress this year. More fool them. Prior to the meaningless end of season fixture at Peterborough, he had maintained his starting figure, despite spending almost two thirds of the season in the top 5. As a reserve, he was much improved on previous years. With the exception of a paid win vs. Newcastle he won every heat 2 at home (6 in total), as well as another 3 victories on the road. Back in 2018? Yes please. I like to stay awake on a Friday night and have no desire to spend my hard earned cash watching 15 processional snooze fests. Mitchell: the much maligned Mr. Davey actually boasted the third highest average of all the number 7's in the league (hats off to Connor Mountain and Ellis Perks). Again, prior to the meaningless end of season fixture at Peterborough, he had improved upon his starting figure. His head-to-head stats in the 'protected heats' aren't to be sniffed at either: Heat 2 at home = 12 'wins' out of 18 against the opposing no.7 Heat 4 at home = 15 'wins' out of 18 Heat 2 away = 9 'wins' out of 18 Heat 4 away = 12 'wins' out of 17 (Jack Smith withdrawn in heat 2 at Glasgow, hence n/a) All in all, an honourable comeback to the second tier of UK speedway. For all your efforts, I say, "thank you Mitchell". Back in 2018? For whatever reason, I suspect he won't be involved. Theo: I'll be honest, I would've preferred us to sign Kai Huckenbeck as the injury replacement for the inferior Riss. He would've made his debut one day before his Premiership average increased markedly and I couldn't find any fixture clashes for at least a month. However what actually happened was everyone's friend, Mr. Pijper, came in and lowered his average sufficiently to save his future career. 4.23 was that final figure, only marginally lower than the German's top 5 exploits, which meant we weren't really damaged too much as a team. "win win" as they say! Back in 2018? Depending on rules and numbers, you never know... NB: the stats used above are based on Championship fixtures only and do not include KO Cup ties or Play-offs.

in what way? all Damo said was that he thought the Monarchs would beat Ipswich over 2 legs but that, should they eventually go on to face Glasgow, he hopes they would, er, lose heavily. he's a Glasgow fan. I thought his post was quite funny! it's only half time baldy well done on last night though.

when does Holub serve his 28 day ban? is it between now and then end of the season, when he won't miss any meetings anyway? (where's the punishment in that?) or does he sit out the first month of the 2017 campaign and become available thereafter? (although, exactly who would want to sign him is another matter)

just out of interest, when did that come into force? I seem to remember as recent as September 2014, Monarchs running a double header on the Friday night (Redcar and Glasgow) plus Newcastle (KOC) on the Saturday (Sept 12th and 13th). I have a feeling there may well have been other Friday / Saturday meetings previously but, equally, I could be completely wrong. my memory isn't what it used to be! did we get into bother after the 2014 'noisy weekend'?

you want a moan Sir? here goes! last Friday we were treated to the Richard Lawson school of team riding (blast past your reserve partner in two separate races, leaving him vulnerable to home riders for the remaining laps). this week, it was something much, much worse. now I've seen Peter Carr knock Robert Larsen off, I've seen Daniella Nermark shoot straight across the path of various team mates countless times, but heat 14 of the Redcar meeting last night took the proverbial German biscuit. it was rash, it was reckless. it was the kind of move I would expect from Ryan Fisher. speaking of him, I have to say his heat 8 fencing of Stefan Nielsen during the Plymouth meeting was nothing more than gross stupidity. what if Nielsen had actually ended up injured and forced an abandonment prior to reaching heat 10? would the Yank have personally offered to cover the financial costs of bringing the Devils back up North? doubtful. going back to Riss though - listen son, if you want to fight with Dame Edna Etheridge, go ahead and do so, but make sure it's confined to the pits area. don't take it onto the track and put other, innocent, riders' lives any more at risk than they already are. as for the meetings themselves, some random comments: in recent years, Monarchs have enjoyed having a number one whose first name and surname started with the same letter. we finally had that again last night. hats off to Ludvig Lindgren. statistically, presumably, our best guest ever? well done to young Max on his highest ever score. such a pity some untimely machine gremlins, a clown of a team mate and a ridiculously incorrect decision from the ref prevented it from being even higher. Lassie Bjerre - what an absolute embarrassment to the family name. he really should hang his head in shame. Zdenek Simota - it's painful to watch such a naturally talented rider perform like that. time to hang up the kevlars Mister. Kyle Newman - every time he visits sunny Armadale, I think, "maybe this time he'll look the part" but it just never happens. overall, 6 points happily accepted. however, certain off track events and things which were said really lead me to wonder why I even bother with speedway. and it's Glasgow again next week. right now, I can see that one far enough...

I can just imagine the conversation between the 2 rival Promoters ahead of tonight’s meeting… “Morning Norman” “Morning baldy” “How’s Steady? A bit unsteady last night I heard” “Aye, he’s goosed unfortunately. But, don’t worry, we’ve got New Zealand’s finest to replace him” “Jason Bunyan?” “Nope. Ricky Wells” “But he’s a Yank. I saw him pootling round at the back on my TV screen on Tuesday night” “Defo a Kiwi Mr C. Hence why the Trump mob have binned him” “Damn. He’s pretty decent at sunny Armadale. He might beat a few of our guys” “And how’s things at your end soupy?” “Lovely weather. I was sitting in my deckchair earlier. The one negative is we had a slight mishap with the hospitality food. The frogs legs have been damaged” “Oh that’s a bonus. We can use r/r to cover him then. Also means we can bring in Richie Worrall for Jason Gar/rity. He can knock his brother off again!” At this point, Mr Campbell hung up, desperately fearing a home defeat

dreadful meeting. I'm not entirely sure what was worse - the constant buckaroo of the first 6 races or the fact the track slickened off so dramatically thereafter that the paying punter was almost treated to 9 further processions.  I say almost, of course, because at least heat 14 provided us with a pass. from pretty much the only rider capable of exciting the home crowd nowadays. step forward Max Clegg. that second place was just reward for his efforts on another frustrating night at sunny Armadale.  quite why folk see fit to criticise him is beyond me. it appears it's ok for fellow youngsters Riss I and II and wee Daniel to have off nights or poor races with nothing said (quite rightly so) but Max is fair game. it doesn't make sense. people shouldn't forget he's still just a 19 year old laddie (I'm not gonna use the 'British' tag cos I don't care about all that drivel). were all the moaning punters the finished article in their respective jobs at 19? I know fine well I wasn't! I've long said the youngsters should be left alone to progress and find their way in the sport. progress itself is very rarely a consistent gradient. there will pretty much always be ups and downs. shining examples are the Worralls. both looked ok in their first season. Richie kicked on then stalled somewhat before improving recently. meanwhile, Steve went backwards for a few years before suddenly becoming a Monarchs' Legend. he's never looked back since! the fact is each and every youngster is different. but they should all be encouraged. no negativity whatsoever. it's completely unnecessary. as far as Max is concerned, he has progressed each and every season to date in his short career. from mascot at Sheffield, through being reserve then second string and on to heat leader at Cradley Heath. he also had an excellent first PL season with the Champions in 2015, defeating a number of 'top 5' riders along the way. it's almost inevitable that, at some point, some will think that progress isn't continuing any more (even if they're actually wrong). is there any chance those folk could have a massive reality check some time soon? any chance at all? going back to Friday, I was interested to see Josh Bailey standing on the centre green watching the tractors doing their stuff during the latter part of the meeting (no Norwich jokes please!). seeing him and young Daniel Bewley on track in the same races was a bit like watching twins. both very small chaps, not too dissimilar styles, both struggling manfully to hold on to their bikes. good luck to both lads. let's hope the blood bayers don't target you in the near future...

interestingly (or perhaps not), there's a new issue of green sheets for NL today. still no additional notes beside the name of Mitchell Davey...

i'm not doubting what the ambiguous rule book says. i'm simply using the scenario which has been mentioned on here earlier i.e. the BSPA inform the Monarchs that Daniel Bewley must ride at Buxton. regardless of whether that is correct or otherwise, it's hardly Edinburgh's fault he can't ride for them that day, is it? therefore a 'proper' guest, as opposed to an NL guest, should, logically, be the facility. or are the Champions supposed to say to the BSPA, "shove your decision, we disagree with it, Daniel's riding for us or we take our ball back ya bunch of numpties"?

that would depend solely on whether or not Edinburgh were only entitled to an NL guest. if the BSPA say Scunny vs. Monarchs is rearranged, therefore Daniel Bewley must ride at Buxton vs. Belle Vue, is it not only fair the facility available should be a 'guest' (in accordance with the "absent 6 or 7" part of the rule) as opposed to being restricted to picking from just NL riders?

averages included bonus points up to and including the end of the 2005 season. at that point, they were then 'netted off' and the new figures produced (without bonus pts) for the start of the 2006 campaign. PS Mr cyclone - the difference between the team declarations and the green sheets were to do with team changes. the October 2009 lists show Edinburgh as being the same as the end of year green sheets due to us signing Kalle Katajisto (replacing Byron Bekker) at such a late stage that both he (and, obviously, the team) didn't ride in any meetings which were included in those numbers (remember Cup finals, play-offs, etc. are excluded). similarly, at the point when Glasgow last re-declared that season, Mitchell Davey had a 4.23 average. this may have been in July, August, whenever. and, by the end of the year, he was down to 3.77, as per his green sheet. I have no idea as to whether the 'never having achieved an actual PL MA of 4.00 or above' is defined by end of season averages or simply at any point during any season. "never" to me means "never ever" but this is the BSPA we're talking about! I suspect there'll be a coin toss to decide upon this one. my money's on heads

another rain off? wow. at this rate, our season might run into October after all.

Max was already in front when Ayres stopped and was still leading comfortably when Garcia made a quite ridiculous dive into the first bend of lap 2. Hardly a gift!

Dolly Parton's a Falkirk fan?

KJ’s Final Preview... This week's visitors to sunny Armadale are the soap dodging Tiggers from Glasgow in what is scheduled to be the second leg of the PL Play-Off Final. It’s been a hectic week in and around KJ Towers. I’ve spent an ungodly number of hours in the High Court – apparently a number of individuals thought last week’s Preview was murder (editor’s note – what’s your problem? It was). Eventually, my top lawyer negotiated a lesser charge, one of ‘crimes against speedway forum posting standards’ and I’m pleased to say the case was concluded late yesterday afternoon. In his summing up, QC Ivor Dodgysensahuma said, “I would’ve thought everybody would know by now that Mr Jamie is quite obviously a couple of sandwiches short of a normal punter’s picnic, especially when he’s let loose on the internet. I recommend the complainants take a chill pill and be careful not to choke on their caviar and prawn sandwiches.” Having also received 306 death threats (that Rohan Tungate’s got a huge family), I can’t really say I’m in much of a mood to offend or annoy anyone this week. So, for that reason, I must admit I’m pleased Glasgow qualified. In fact, I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for the place, especially as I used to work at a BP garage through yonder for a number of years (ed – really?). Sadly they demolished the site. I went back there a couple of months ago. It was such an emotional moment. I could feel myself filling up. Glasgow is also the venue for an upcoming World record attempt. Scientists will bid to remove the longest Velcro strip in history, in one fell swoop. Tickets for this event are on sale at just £175. Much like the ‘pay at the gate’ prices this weekend, critics have described it as a massive rip-off. (ed – I thought this was supposed to be a speedway preview, not crap jokes r us?) Speaking of crap jokes… (ed – don’t you dare. Whatever you type next, I will blank out so be warned) I love criticism – bring it on ya bunch of dafties!… Spoilsport. Anyway, the countdown is on for the biggest clash in Scottish speedway history. Talking of Countdown, Susie Dent – I tell you, she’s more than welcome to read the dictionary to me any time. (ed – will you please take this seriously? They’ll all moan their eyes out again and I personally don’t blame them) Aye, ok. Right, serious stuff. This weekend will be the most important derby in both clubs’ history. So why am I not excited? Probably because I hate the play-offs. They’ve totally killed speedway for me and I’m guessing a few others too. Crowds are down, there’s a distinct lack of atmosphere at most of the ‘qualifying’ league fixtures and it doesn’t help that entertainment levels are also nowhere near those of a few years ago (Christ, I sound like a right auld codger). No team should finish top of a table and receive no recognition for its success. Remember back in 1993 and 1994 when Glasgow led the way? Or 2003 when Edinburgh won their inaugural title? Proper achievements. None of this Americanised nonsense and no chance of back door victors. If we win this weekend, it’ll be nowt more than justice but if the soap dodgers take the spoils, the cold confines of sunny Armadale will be an unbearable sea of celebratory red and white. So what of Edinburgh and Glasgow? It’s a special kind of rivalry. The cities themselves may be pretty close on a map but, in reality, they’re nowhere near. In the Capital we have half a tram line network, salt ‘n’ sauce and cycle paths. By comparison, Weegieville has an underground railway system, salt ‘n’ vinegar and psychopaths. That lot even voted ‘Yes’ in the independence referendum! At the end of the day, no matter who claims to be superior, we Edinburgh folk can quite happily sit back safe in the knowledge that at least we know how to demolish high rise flats properly. Speedway-wise, it’s fair to say both sets of fans enjoy an ‘interesting’ relationship. To them, we’re posh and smug. To us, they’re manky and jealous. It’s all part of the ‘banter’ you see. We love each other really. Honest. Scottish derbies bring back a number of wonderful memories for me. Superb meetings, cup finals, fighting on-track and even some fighting off-track! Childhood heroes such as Jamie Luckhurst (obviously) for us, Ray Palmer for them and not forgetting riders who represented both clubs, including Roger Lambert, Jackson Irving and Sean Courtney. Yes, detractors, be warned – I was once in the SAS (ed – aye, the Sean Appreciation Society. You couldn’t shoot a photograph!) For the ‘Vote No’ crew, it’s a chance to bid farewell to our GP heroes, Sam Masters and Justin Sedgmen, plus World U21 Team Cup finalist Erik Riss. This, I presume, will be the last fixture of the 2015 season so let’s hope we go out on the biggest high possible. For the ‘Vote Yes’ mob, Kake the name changer’s season has unfortunately Finnished early. His Scandinavian colleague, Reider Replacement, will step in with all bar the scruffy twins, Richard Lawson and Aaron Summers, eligible as cover. No awards this week (ed – now who’s the spoilsport?) as Glasgow received theirs only recently and I can’t afford to buy any more. Oh, I almost forgot, Nigel Pearson phoned last night. I didn’t answer... Now, if ed’s in a good mood, maybe there’s just time for one last joke for the year. Please? (ed – ok, go on then. You’d best make it a good ‘un) Right. Following my retiral, I decided to branch out into the film industry. My debut production is to be the story of a young lassie with an unfortunate medical condition. Upon hearing about this, hugely famous singers such as Garth Brooks and Ronan Keating contacted me almost immediately, offering to sing the soundtrack. The title of the film? ‘Tamara never cums’. er, roll on Saturday… KJ's prediction: a Scottish team will emerge victorious. (ed – wow, you don’t say. By the way, I hear they’ve arranged a fireworks display in the Peterborough area to celebrate the end of your Previews for another year. Can I go? Can I? Please? Pretty please?) You disloyal little git. That’s it. You’re sacked.

KJ’s meeting Preview... This week's visitors to sunny Armadale are the potentially powerhouse, probably powder puff Peterborough Panthers in the second leg of the PL Play-Off semi-final. It’s all to play for after Sunday’s first leg with the East Anglian Eejits currently holding a slender 2 point lead. The Panthers used to be the best team in speedway and (I think?) are the only team to achieve back to back titles in different leagues (PL 1998, EL 1999). However, gone are the days of Jason Crump, Flyin’ Ryan Sullivan and, er, Henrik Moller. Nowadays, you never know quite who’s gonna be racing for them from one week to the next. No less than 547 guests have been used this season, partly due to an abundance of injuries but also in no small part due to the foolish signing Robert ‘I’m off to Germany this weekend, seeya’ Lambert. Fixture arranging has also proved troublesome recently. I can exclusively reveal Friday’s meeting wasn’t on the agenda for Sir Henry Royce’s rascals. Boss man Ged Rathbone takes up the tale of woe... “I’m not quite sure whose idea it was to have us racing at this time of year. It’s October, it’s cold and dark. Nobody should have to go all the way up to Scotland, especially a place like Edinburgh. They’ve got trams. And that horrible Sturgeon b1tch. “What’s more, half my team already have other commitments. Emil Grondal was due to compete in the German round of the World U21 Tiddlywinks, Ben Barker was meant to be at Crufts with his family (woof woof) and Simon Lambert had booked a night on the sofa to watch Eastenders. Kathy Beale’s back. And it could well be the night Max Branning gets released from prison so I can see why he wouldn’t want to miss it” (editor’s note – aye, whatever. Next you’ll be telling us Anders Thomsen’s on death’s door again. Cough cough, sniff sniff). “However, my biggest annoyance was that we had arranged a special night of X Factor auditions. Simon Cowell contacted me recently after hearing of our supporters’ singing exploits. Cancelling that event, plus rearranging the riders’ schedules has cost us millions. Billions even. Do the BSPA care? Of course not. We’re Peterborough speedway, we don’t get any favours from anyone. I’m seething.” Elsewhere, embarrassed by their lack of TV coverage of this particular competition, Sky TV got in touch this week. None other than ex-Panther and so-called ‘track expert’ Simon Stead gave his opinion… “Hi KJ. Tie’s, em, in’t meltin’ pot. I, em, ee by gum like, track will be, em, will be brilliant, em, I’m sure.” (ed – really? The last two weeks have been tense but boring) Just at that moment, in the background, my attention was drawn to a very interesting conversation... “I tell you Kelvin, I really dislike Edinburgh. I hope Peterborough smash them.” “I um uh um yeah, I totally agree Nigel.” I immediately hung up in disgust. For the 2014 treble winners, it’s a case of ‘back to full strength’ after sunlounger grabber Wolbert received the all clear from the Kraut quacks. Meanwhile, having not quite managed it in Monarchs’ colours on the 7 previous clashes between the two sides, can Craig finally Cook up a maximum against his former employers? For the Pink ones, it’s a chance to prove their August victory in the West Lothian wastelands was no fluke. However, they don’t appear to have done themselves any favours, replacing the PLRC Champion with a nondescript Kangaroo. This week's big welcome goes to: special mention to Anders Thomsen, a rider I wanted us to sign in the winter before we ended up with Erik Riss. However, this one’s going to a rider who’s not the most popular amongst the Monarchs’ hordes – the one and only Ben Barker. I’ve always thought he was a good rider. Sue me. This week's 'popular yer baws!' award goes to: it’s a pity awkward Ostergaard isn’t fit, he would’ve been a guaranteed winner. However, as one door closes, another opens – Rogue Turnright gets this one. At least he’s now won something this year... The Florenshafisztof Kaspitzanwinkelhoppen award for suave name of the week goes to: plenty of choice this week but I have to go for Michael Palm Toft. I always remember when THJ rode for us and Scunthorpe omitted the ‘H’ from their programme racecard. When I asked as to why, I was informed they didn’t think it was overly important. I’ll let you guess what happened when MPT signed for them! This week’s big questions: Will Grondal make Emil of things? Will Monarchs end Friday Justin front? And, er, why can’t I think of any more big questions? er, roll on Friday… KJ's prediction: 37-35 (abandoned after 12 heats) Monarchs to be eliminated, courtesy of having scored 1 fewer 5-1 (but 2 more 4-2’s) over the course of both legs. Don’t you just love the rulebook?

biggest popular myth in speedway. no referee has to exclude any rider at any point in time of any race. that said, had i been the ref on Friday, i would've done my emergency services impersonation and put the blue flashing light on. talking of Masters, memo to Smiley - when the young reserve gates on your outside, let him go. don't burst in front of him and leave him vulnerable. If Max stuffs up whilst in front, fair enough but it's your job to sit behind him and protect him (team sport and all that). it was Charles Wright in third, not Emil Sayfutdinov! some other observations: our performance was unacceptable. Somerset only had 2 and a half riders but they still won comfortably. must do better. what happened to the fireworks? not that i'm into that nonsense (they're just noisy colours at the end of the day) but, seriously, do we only use them when we win? thanks to Sedgy for stuffing my Golden Heats prediction. Brady Kurtz gave the worst performance from any visiting number 1 since last Friday. good to see Luke Chessell doesn't take after his Uncle (as a side note, is Robert Branford related to Pontus Aspgren?) still no apology from Starke... well done Somerset.

KJ’s meeting Preview... This week's visitors to sunny Armadale are the Somerset ‘average cheats’ Rebels in the second leg of the PL KO Cup Final. The tie is finely poised after Tuesday’s first leg with the West Country Wombles currently holding an 8 point lead. Scotland’s number one team and the Glastonbury protestors have dominated the PL scene in recent years, winning a plethora of trophies between them. Whilst we haggis bashers have relied mainly upon shrewd winter signings, the cider drinkers have endured a number of false starts, BSPA rejections and eventual redeclarations. Bill Bailey’s boys are never shy in axing any underperforming riders. Absolutely nothing wrong with that of course. However, the most bizarre sacking occurred earlier this year when Leigh Lanham received his P45 despite adding 2 points to his starting average. Needless to say some fans were a tad miffed. However, I can exclusively reveal the real reason as to why he was bulleted – apparently the Rebels’ Promotion couldn’t afford to keep installing mirrors throughout the stadium to allow the veteran to repeatedly check his hair. I was sitting in McDonald’s earlier this week (I love my diet) when Nigel Pearson’s PRO got in touch (editor’s note – don’t you mean his secretary?). She opened the conversation by saying, “I believe you’ve been trying to besmirch my boss’s good name” “Be-what hen?” “Besmirch. It means…” “Oh aye, right, keep going” “Mr Pearson is a lovely man. He enjoys his speedway and wishes no bad on any team, except if they’re racing against his beloved Cradley Heathens” Being the gentleman that I am, I was just about to retract my previous quotes when, in the background, I overheard a very interesting conversation... “I tell you Kelvin, I really dislike Edinburgh. I hope Somerset smash them.” “I um uh um yeah, I totally agree Nigel.” I immediately hung up in disgust. For the 2014 KO Cup winners, there’s a chance we may be back to full strength for this one. Both top reserve Max Clegg, who has missed the last 3 fixtures, and sunlounger grabber Wolbert, who grabbed a few too many rays back home in Deutschland at the weekend, could return after brief spells of physiotherapy. For the 2013 KO Cup winners, the October green sheets see Paul Starke move up into the top 5. Not that it weakens them at all, as Rasmus Jensen drops to reserve! The former has top scored for his side on their 2 previous trips to West Lothian. Will Friday see a Starke contrast? This week's big welcome goes to: a 2012 Monarch and a rider who, in my opinion, was wrongly released at the time – step forward Charles Wright. This week's 'popular yer baws!' award goes to: decent rider but I have to say Paul Starke’s interview technique leaves a lot to be desired. In the recent televised match at the OTA, he called the 2014 treble champions “these lot” not once but twice within the space of 30 seconds. Blatantly disrespectful. I recommend a full centre green apology on Friday night or face a public flogging. The Florenshafisztof Kaspitzanwinkelhoppen award for suave name of the week goes to: how can I possibly give it to anyone other than Josh thescrabbleplayer? This week’s Government Brainwash Bandwagon ‘value for money’ award goes to: some weird green mob who tried to get me to “invest” in solar panels. For an initial outlay of just £40,000, I can get the panels fitted (I’m sure my neighbours would be delighted) and receive a monthly payment in the region of £52.90. Wow. I’d have to live ‘til I’m 103 before I get my money back! (ed – the Somerset management have been in touch. According to their calculations, you’ll be fully reimbursed before you turn 60. They think you should go for it) I’ve just about had enough of these ‘wonderful’ offers. Please take a telling – I don’t do recycling, I don’t do energy saving lightbulbs, I don’t pay 5p for carrier bags. There’s no such thing as global warming, climate change or whatever they want to call it this week. It’s a myth. It’s nature. It’s cyclical. Now go away and leave me alone ya horrible, irrelevant bunch of pr1cks. This week’s big questions: Will the PL 4s Champions be in the stadium? Will Monarchs end Friday Justin front? And will there be any more refereeing errors? er, roll on Friday… KJ's prediction: 49-41. Monarchs to lose after 3 full rounds of Golden Heats. Mr Campbell to lock the gates and charge everyone £100 on the way out. Wages to be paid and all that…

KJ’s meeting Preview... This week's visitors to sunny Armadale are the soap dodging Tiggers from Glasgow in the first leg of the League Cup Final. Our billionaire friends from the West have recently returned from an all expenses paid, teambuilding trip to the Bahamas and have agreed to take time out from their extremely unhectic schedule to face us this week. For that we must be eternally grateful. In fact, we are so unworthy, we should probably just throw in the towel now. After all, that’s why we signed 2 Germans, isn’t it? It’s the first time the two sides have met in a national Cup Final for over 20 years and the Monarchs are offering a wide range of eye catching offers to mark the big occasion. For £48 you can sponsor a rider. For just £1,500 you can pay at the gate on Friday night. And for a bargain £3 million, you can buy the club lock, stock and barrel. You’ll also receive a complimentary, hand painted portrait of Mr Campbell, which you must hang over your fireplace or face possible assassination. The clash has certainly captured the imagination of major speedway celebrities. Eurosport co-commentator extraordinaire Sam Ermolenko called midweek and gave his comments: “Hey buddy, how goes it? Right, I’ll tell what will happen. Victor Pavolarry will control heat 2 and get his wheels in line on the back straightaway. And I expect Kevin Walford will be keen to yet again show Glasgow what he’s all about. I have to say though, I’m disappointed Michael Jesper Jensen and Mateusz Shipanski aren’t racing. Those dudes are box office man. I hope you guys have a fantastic evening. I’ve got great memories of Armadale. It’s definitely one of my favourite places in England.” Not to be outdone, Sky TV got in touch last night. Charlie Webster was desperate to find out how morale was in the home camp. Meanwhile, in the background, I overheard a very interesting conversation... “I tell you Kelvin, I really dislike Edinburgh. I hope Glasgow smash them.” “I um uh um yeah, I totally agree Nigel.” I was just about to hang up in disgust when Chris Louis suddenly took time off from drawing silly arrows on his iPad to say a few words. However, I’ve no idea what he said as I fell asleep 10 seconds later... For the 2014 treble champions, it’s a chance to gain revenge for the home defeat by the soap dodgers earlier in the season. However, it looks like they’ll have to do without top reserve Max Clegg, who suffered a hand injury at Birmingham on Wednesday night. On the positive side, Erik Riss has decided speedway is important this week, but only after it was announced the latest round of the World ice cream scooping Championships in Outer Mongolia had been postponed. Apparently it was discovered the Promoter was a coneman. For the 1993/94 ‘double double’ winners, Kake Nieminen makes a timely return from injury to strengthen the visitors even further than they have been all season. The great unwashed must go into this one as favourites following a campaign full of rule bending, dodgy transfers and big money splashing. Anything other than a Glasgow aggregate victory will be looked upon as failure. This week's big welcome goes to: none of them, they’re Weegies. (editor’s note – away, ya grumpy auld git. There’s no need for that attitude. Besides, your wee niece still has a soft spot for Aaron Summers. And he’s ex-Edinburgh. He must qualify for a welcome? Go on. You know you want to!) This week's 'popular yer baws!' award goes to: Kake the name changer. Your name’s Kake son. That’s Kake. Not Kauko. Kake. Thank you. The Florenshafisztof Kaspitzanwinkelhoppen award for suave name of the week goes to: Florenwhat? Who writes this p1sh? (ed – er, that’ll be you ya dafty. Hynek Stichauer’s parents will be devastated if you don’t give it to him, surely?) This week’s big questions: Will Victor be a victor? Will Monarchs end Friday Justin front? And who will be crying into their porridge on Sunday night? er, roll on Friday… KJ's prediction: 15-75

yes, very good...

just as an aside, if all riders were banned for a year, what are the clubs expected to do? sign a whole new team before their next meeting? or would any bans only kick in at the end of this season?